Packing up now...

In my studio apartment, packing up now. The procedure of opening up my empty suitcases and filling them up with my clothes, shoes and stuffs kinda depressed me. Until when I was going through some blogs which I have written but never published them. I was reading one of the blogs and now I am really glad that I am going home after all... ... I guess everyone needs a remainder to set one's priority right again.

Below was what I have written on May 23 2004:

I am freezing my ass off right now in this very moment.

Where: American Museum of Natural History in New York City. To be specific, I am in the cafeteria of the museum.

Time: 4.39 pm and another hour to go before I can get out of here.

Why:

There are a few reasons that contribute to why I am stuck right here.

Firstly, my brother is now in NYC on a vacation. Thus, me being a good sister, I have the obligation to show him around and bring him to all the museums that he wants to explore.
However, I have a dateline to meet by Monday, so instead of me working at home and risking my brother getting lost (which also means that I will be skinned alive by my mum if my brother did get lost in the BIG, BAD and UGLY city); I am now building my spreadsheet using my laptop in the cafeteria of the museum.

My little brother just arrived on last Friday (21 May 2004) and it was on that fateful day, which I have come to learn that one of my cousins had passed away due to a motor vehicle accident. My little cousin, let’s call him “sweet pea”. He was like a little brother to me. Sweet Pea used to come over to my place very often and hang out with my 2 younger brothers. They played and fought together, laughed and cried together and grew up together as the years roll by.

He was a naughty little boy, full of mischief but never malicious. Definitely drove my uncle and aunt up the wall and even me, myself, have the urge to discipline him every once a while.

However, things changed when he started his secondary school and began mixing with bad company. He began to drift apart from my brothers; everyone was too busy to realize that he had skipped school, started smoking and participated in those petty gang fights. My uncle, being a very gentle man, could not handle him and eventually allowed him to drop out of school to enroll into the Army.

Everything seems well ever since he went to the Army, the army disciplined him and kept him busy, he did not seem to be hang around much with those gangster friends anymore.
Everything seems to go well for a while, until… he got involved in a motorcycle accident.

It was a Sunday afternoon; he was rushing to his camp to book in. Being a good friend, he gave his fellow camp mate a ride. He lost control of his motorbike. He crashed into a tree. He died instantly on the spot. He was only 19 years old… … … His fellow campmate was in a coma for a week before passing away too.

He barely bought his motorbike 2 months before the dreadful accident happened. The bike was a gift from his dad… a gift which ultimately caused his death.

Everyone took his death rather badly. It was so unexpected. It was so tragic. All my family members were there at his funeral, everyone except me. And the worst part was that I was not even being told of his death until about 2 weeks later. I was hurt and angry; I called my mum to demand for an explanation since I have never felt more left out.

My mum answered: “So what If I told you… by the time you fly back home, his funeral would have been over anyway.”

Then it hit me. Yes… she is right. If anything were to happen to my loved ones, by the time I were to fly back home, it would have been too late anyway. No last goodbyes, no last words and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I want to go home now.

Outburst on the bus

I was hit by reality once again that I am leaving Chicago in about 3 weeks' time. Had the sudden compulsion to write something while I was on my way to Kraft this morning......


When I left home in search of something better
What I found was something in fact, lesser
But in time, through patience and self-realization
I look around and see inspirations

My trip has been fruitful
My life is now changed
I finally knew what I want
Or so, that's what I'll like to believe

Now that it's time for me to leave
To venture into uncertainty and unknown
And I will go,
Taking my new found treasures with me

I want to fly... ... like my fairy... 

If there is one tattoo I will get for myself. IT"S HER. 

Love.... is bullshit?!

Just received an email from a friend, unfortunately, the email irritates the shit out of me. I guess the content of the email is simply full of crap. Oh, did I mention that the email was all about… … what else, “love”.

Here are some of the excerpts:

· “Love strives in hurting. If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test to you, to help you grow. Don't find love: let love finds you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall. "

· “You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages size. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering, and growing.”

· “How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.”

The first thing that hit me after reading through the email was: what a load of bullshit, I have just wasted 3 minutes of my life, damned!

The next thing that hit me was: Am I really that cynical? Shouldn’t I feel inspired by these “words of wisdom”?

To be frank, I think I have been relatively lucky in love… except for the fact that one of my ex-boyfriend actually two-timed me. Other than that scumbag, I have been blissfully loved by 2 very good men. So, technically speaking, I should still retain some of those head-in-the-clouds-and-I-am-so-in-love genes in me.

Nope. Nothing… those “romantic” DNAs have all died. In fact, one of my friends just made a comment that I am the most unromantic girl he has ever met in his life. I don’t think that is much of a compliment. Upon some self-reflection, I don’t think I am as jaded before, as I am now am.

I remembered I used to think that giving flowers is one of the sweetest things; a guy can do for a girl. Now, it’s a waste of money. Candle light dinner used to be such a romantic thing, now; I think it’s kinda cheesy. Talking on the phone and whisper sweet nothings used to be my forte, now, my boyfriend and I seem to only talk about our work, monetary issues and politics.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME????????!!!!!!!!!

I guess being overseas alone for the past 1.5 years had definitely toughen me up, especially since I was actually living in the Big Apple, New York City for around 14 months. After breathing the cold, hard air of New York, you cannot expect me to remain as fluffy as I was 2 years ago. Plus the fact that I have all along been very independent and being in a big city like New York has not only sharpened my independence streak, it has also honed my dun-you-dare-to-f**k-with-me attitude to a whole new level.

So I have come to realization that, this is what “age” has done to me. Growing older has somehow sucked out my naiveté towards love and dreams. Although now that with age, I am more focused and certain about myself, about who I am and what I want in life. This, in turn, has transformed me to be this selfish, cold-blooded bitch, who might just do anything, in order to attain what ever she wants.

Is this the person whom I want to be?

No.

Now that it’s time for me to go home soon… maybe it is time for me to ponder about the meaning of life again. What ever the case is, I seriously think that I am inherently, a good girl. (Yah… laugh all you want…)

I guess I, not only have to fall in love again, I have to believe in love again.

The 3 "C"s

I realized that I have a huge problem with the 3 “C”s.

1) Communication
2) Commitment
3) Cash

First and foremost, and I will say, by far the worst problem that I have to deal with… is my PATHETIC communication skills. This really hit me by surprise. Although I am no debater or public speaker, I still pride myself as being relatively vocal and I usually do get my message across to people rather efficiently.

That is until recently where I have to train my new boss, as well as, the replacement analyst, so that they can take over my job when I fly back to Singapore. And to my astonishment, it hits me that I can’t communicate effectively to my seniors or peers, especially work-related issues.

So now, I am making a conscious effort to think and organized my thoughts before I speak, and most importantly, speak slowly and clearly so that my American counterpart can understand my heavily accented English, a.k.a Singlish.

Secondly, commitment. This also hits me by surprise… since I have always wanted to get married young and have children young UNTIL I am now in the States. After being exposed to the wild and crazy life style in the States… I have now grown accustomed to the carefree lifestyle where I can do what ever I like; go where ever I please, say what ever I want. Now that I will be heading home soon, I will have to consider the feelings of my loved ones and ensure that what ever I do, will not cause any distress nor hurt to them. And I find this kind of commitment stifling, so much so that I am almost having an anxiety attack!

Thirdly, cash. I see this coming long time ago and I have nobody to blame but myself. I have been spending way too much money here that I am actually ashamed of myself. Argh…. I am too weak to fight against temptation… boots, hats, scarves and all the accessories which I know I will not get to wear them in Singapore, as my beloved homeland is simply too god-damned hot! But I can’t stop myself from buying all these soft cashmere sweaters…

My god… If I don’t curb myself… I will soon have another “C” related problem: Credit Card bills!!!

19 days to the end of my Traineeship in the States.

Just gave Kaeson a farewell party on Saturday since he will be leaving for Singapore for good, after 9 long years in the States. Wow… 9 years. That’s a freaking long time to stay in a foreign country! I simply can’t imagine the kind of emotions that he must be feeling right now…

As for me, I have only been here for 1.5 years, which is only 1/6 of Kaeson’s length of stay. However, I am already going through an emotional crisis, since now that I have only 19 days to the end of my traineeship with Kraft Foods International.

I feel as if I am now at a T-junction, where I can either make a right or left turn. Although the left turn now is under repair and thus, blocked. So in a sense, I have no other choice but to make a right turn…

So, is there anyway where I can make a left turn?

Well…. Yes.

1) I can either first make a right or then try to make a left turn further down the road. Hopefully the next left turn will bring me to the same destination, which the first left turn would have led me.

2) Or, I could first make a right turn and once I know that the road is repaired, I will then make a U-turn, and hit the very first left turn again.

What ever the case is, I want to make a left turn eventually, which means that, I want to come back to the States again. With that, I have drawn out a 3-year plan. In 3 years’ time, after gaining sufficient work experiences, I aim to come back to Chicago to do my MBA. Of course, ideally, I would like to stay with Kraft and get transferred to Kraft HQ office in Chicago and hopefully get admitted to University of Chicago and pursue my part time MBA program under the company’s expense. Ahhhh…. That will be my ideal world. ;P

But if that does not work out, I will still hunt for opportunities with other companies to achieve my 3-year goal. Basically, by hook or by crook, I do want to be back. Back to Chicago… the Second City.

And in many ways, Chicago is indeed THE second city. At least, Chicago is MY second city. It is my second city which I have lived and grown to love, it is a second city in every aspect when compared to New York, which is still my first love.

However, New York simply has too many distractions and knowing myself, I will never settle to study or even to pick up a textbook to do any readings since I will be too busy eating out at restaurants, partying at clubs, watching plays and ballets and having a hell of a time!

Chicago, at the other hand, seems to be a great city with a decent, but NOT CRAZY night life, and at the same time, boring enough to allow myself to concentrate on my studies a few hours a week (or so I hope!)

After coming up with this 3-year plan, I must say that I definitely felt better. More focused and definitely much less confused. Although the next question is… how am I going to fit “the love of my life” into this 3-year plan of mine?

Question: If you lost the love of your life, do you still have a life?