I am older today
Am I wiser, I say?
A year has past and I have learnt
I am older today

I look older today
With a line or two on my face
A little more depth in my eyes
Yet my hair grows limp and thin
I look older today

I feel older today
More burden on my shoulders
Heavier as time goes by
Serious thoughts have to be acted upon and not merely entertained
To ensure things are done before spring is over in May
I feel older today

I’ll be even older by end of today
Will get older tomorrow, and the day after
But I relish in the process of aging
Where I will gain more by giving more
I yearn for the day when I can look back,

Well and alive with a head of frizzy white hair
Reminiscing the good old days and a life well-lived
I want to be older today

I used to be happier?

Just today, one friend commented “what happened to you? You used to be happier..!” Another commented “You are like an old fart now!”

All because I do not enjoy clubbing anymore.

E (one of my gfs) wanted to get me out clubbing on this Friday… but I am not interested at all. I told her I am good to meet up for dinner or some chill-out bars, but not Zouk, MOS or Butter Factory or any of the clubs. And she said “What? You are behaving like an old fart!”

I was like “yeah… I feel like an old fart, although I do not want to look like one!”

Feeling amused, I told another gf of mine, L. And she commented that I used to be more extrovert and was such a party-girl. She was like “What happened to you?!”

Actually, nothing happened to me. I am still as extrovert as ever, in fact, I'm just more at peace with myself as I finally know what I want in life and I try to work towards my goals.

I have decided to put my party days behind me as I do not enjoy partying anymore.

The late nights.
The insane drinking.
The self-indulgence style of dancing.
The waste of time.

I try not to stay up late anymore… if not for work, if not for reading, if not for my fav TV programs (;p). Nowadays, I enjoy waking up early and try to go for a quick run b4 I hit my office or during weekends as well.

I try not to do hard liquor anymore except for whiskey. Haha, I am such a whiskey fan. Give me a Macallen anytime! Nonetheless, I find it so much more meaningful to appreciate a bottle of wine with close friends or with like-minded wine lovers than to binge drink.

Instead of doing senseless hip-hops, I’ll rather hit a salsa bar to work on my salsa dance steps and improve on my coordination and footwork. I do not get any satisfaction in grooving to Justin Timberlake or Madonna anymore, I mean… for what? To attract attention? Kinda passed that phase.

I begin to realize that time is running out. I only have 3 more years to go before I am 30 and there are so many things that I want to achieve before I hit the big 3-0. Thus, I try to engage in value-adding activities such as: reading, exercising, working, catching up with friends and family, traveling and some self-reflection.

I think I have grown up. *FINALLY*

A special friend

Ok… here I am, blogging about friendship again. But I just have to blog this, to remind myself of a very talented friend, who has always inspired me in so many ways yet I didn’t know that he leads such a lonely life until today.

Technically, he is actually BF’s friend. I only got to know him through BF. Let’s call him D. BF and D are from the same kindergarten, primary school, secondary school and junior college. After that, D went to the US to pursue his studies and currently is still based in the US for his professorship in physics.

Thus, BF and I only hang out with him when he is back in Singapore during the winter break. Only for about 1 month in a year, I get to interact with this great guy.

D is easily one of the MOST intelligent human being I have ever met in my life. Always full of clever jokes and interesting stories, he has never failed to amaze me.

He self-taught himself to play the piano.
He takes amazing pictures.
He makes me laugh all the time with his witty remarks.
His dad makes me laugh even harder with his “uncle-ness” and I-am-always-correct attitude (in a non-imposing and oh-so hilarious way)
He engages in conversations that made me go quiet and think.

I really enjoy his company because I can learn so much from him, and I am really fond of him, as a friend, as an older brother, as a buddy. Among all of BF’s buddies, D is definitely my favourite. Hands down.

And just about 15 mins ago, I chanced upon his blog and his blog made me wana cry.

I didn’t know that behind that cheerful face, he is tormented by loneliness.
I didn’t know that beneath that intelligence, he is lost and questioned about his purpose in life.
I didn’t know that under that shield of strength, he longs for her pair of gentle arms to stroke his hair. And all these while, I noticed his glances at her and I have always thought that she is perfect for D. But yet, there is really nothing at all that I can help nor do.

His grief really saddens me in a ridiculous way, in a way I cannot explain. I feel really helpless. And the worst part is that I do not dare to confess to him that I have read his blog. Now, I understand his loneliness and despair, but I am nobody to comfort him or to show my support.

D is rather protective of his blog and doesn’t want many people to read it. Should I leave a comment on his blog to let him know that I understand his pain? Or at least I try to understand his pain?

I didn’t. And I don’t dare. I’m afraid that he would just shut down his blog and that tiny, little window for me to glimpse into his life, his fears, his pain and his longing for love.

BF is greatly troubled too. I know because he is sitting there, looking far away and swirling his wine without really drinking it. I know that he is upset that his best friend has been unhappy and he didn’t find out until 15 mins ago. And he couldn't do anything about it as well... can he?

D is flying back to the US tomorrow and we will not meet till about 11 months later, in the next winter break.

With all my heart, I sincerely wish that D can be happy. Can find that purpose that he has been looking for. Can hold the hand that he has been longing for. Can answer the questions that he has been asking himself.

D, my friend… all the best.

Im disappointed… …

I’m kinda disappointed with my circle of friends right now. Then I looked around and I realized that I don’t really have many friends to start with. That, itself is not an issue since I’ve always believed in the quality of friends rather than quantity.

But now, I can’t help feeling a little disappointed. Maybe it is my fault on my part that I have not been "maintaining" my friendships or maybe I’ve been too giving as a friend that people took me for granted?

Technically, I only have two girl friends from my secondary school. GirlA takes the path less traveled and now is an entrepreneur, her son is almost two and she is expecting her 2nd one. Our friendship works such that we do not meet up all that often but when we do, we have endless things to talk about. But as her life is really different from mine, sometimes, I do kinda feel detached from her.

GirlB has been my best friend since young as we were in the same primary school, secondary school, JC and even university! So, we have really come a long way. GirlB has always been the quieter one, more feminine and private. While I’m just a loud, over-the-top and don’t-you-dare-to-f**k-with-me kinda girl.

I will usually tell her whatever happened but sometimes, she kinda keeps things from me. It will be a long while before I knew exactly what happened (sometimes I am still clueless!). I understand that some people needs some time to digest and selectively give out some information but I really cannot help but to feel disappointed that a friendship of almost 20 years cannot even “handle the truth”.

Sigh.

I used to be rather cosy with a bunch of hall friends but lately, I just feel that whenever we hang out (it had been a while since we last hung out), the conversations became extremely superficial… so much so that I feel that I am entertaining a bunch of acquaintances instead of friends.

Maybe I am just too overbearing. Yet, some said I am aloof.

I have always been envious of Carrie in “Sex and the City”, specifically her strong friendship with her 3 other friends - Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. I really do wish that I have 3 other girl friends who we can all hang out together and have breakfast/ Dim Sum every Sunday morning to bitch about everything under the sun. (esp. cute men or the lack of cute men in or lives)

Ok, time to recruit new girl-friends. If only it’s really that easy.