Losing No. 2

This will be a sad post, I'm afraid.

I was supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant when I started to spot brown. However, since I also had some forms of spotting and bleeding when I was carrying Beanie, I wasn't too worried about the spotting for this second pregnancy.

Unfortunately, after 3 days of light spotting, the bleeding started to get heavier and I noticed red blood bleeding and that was when I called my Gynae to book an emergency consultation. During the ultrasound, it seemed that the embryo had stopped developing since it was 5-6 weeks. In fact, we could see the amniotic sac but no fetus or heartbeat. It was a case of Blighted Ovum.

The doctor wanted to play safe and scheduled another scan in a week's time to ensure that there was indeed no development of the embryo, but he cautioned that my body might expelled the failed embryo naturally and I might suffer from a natural miscarriage. As long as I am not in severe pain or bleeding excessively, I should just let nature takes in course.

And true enough, I miscarried naturally later on the very same day, later in the evening.

The cramps and the backache started, it was as if I was going through a mini-labour. It was very similar to the same discomfort that I went through during the early stages of labour when I had Beanie. The bleeding intensified with many clots and then, suddenly I felt something passed out of me.

It was a small placenta, almost the size of a small kiwi fruit and the attached  amniotic sac, which looked like a deflated white balloon. Inside the sac, there was a very small, almost worm-like looking creature. I believe that the little worm was my little No. 2. My first instinct was to flush it away, and I did. But now on hindsight, I should have kept it in a box and buried it under my Frangipani Tree. It would have help me to move on.... and now, I have the guilt that I actually flushed my No.2 down the toilet chute!

Sigh. I know that miscarriages are very common and I have quite a few friends who went through at least 1 failed pregnancy but continued to have 2 or 3 perfectly healthy children anyway.

But it was still very sad for me to know that the little worm could have grown to be Beanie's little brother or sister. Yet, at the same time, I am also very thankful that my first-born, Beanie is now a healthy almost-2-year-old girl and this miscarriage makes me appreciate my Little Beanie so much more.

No woman will ever forget a miscarriage, every miscarriage was like a child lost.

Mommy will always remember you, my little no. 2.