If I were a boy... ...

I thought Beanie looks quite girly with her big, pretty and expressive eyes... but every time I bring Beanie out, in her PINK romper, PINK booties and PINK mittens (without her signature headband though), I still have strangers coming up to me "ahh, so cute, boy huh?"

Eh... Auntie, already all pink, and you think my daughter is still a boy??!!

So, being rather bored this morning, I put a blue beanie hat on Beanie and see whether does she look like a boy...

Hmmm. Haha, she does look like a boy huh?

Beanie likes dressing up

Hub bought a few pretty dresses for Beanie from H&M and we had a good time dressing our little doll.

Ahh... the joy of having little baby girls.

As for Beanie, she definitely enjoys the attention whenever we go gaga over her newest outfits. ;)

Professional pictures from D

A dear and talented friend, D came over for dinner and being shameless me, kept bugging him to take some pictures of Beanie because he's a really good photographer!

Ahhh... such beautiful photos!

Beanie and me

Took me quite a few shots to finally get her to look at my iPhone. First mother and daughter picture! ;)

Uninterrupted Sleep... ... Yeah, right.

That's a picture of Beanie when we went for our very first walk in the stroller. She enjoyed the walk a lot, so much so that I'm trying to make a point to go for a walk everyday, as long as the weather permits.

The idea of bringing her out for walks is to expose her to sunshine and fresh air, so that she can differentiate between day and night.

Day -> Fun and sunshine, milk and butterflies, songs and dance, happy mommy and active baby.

Night-> Snuggle and sleep, lullaby and pillows, huggies and whispers, sleepy baby and contented mommy.

Unfortunately, it is not the case.

Beanie is still waking up at least 2 times a night on good days and on bad days, every freaking 2 hours. Since I am on both day AND night shifts, the sleep deprivation is driving me crazy.

So, a few days ago, I sent out a SOS signal and got my father-in-law (FIL) to help out a bit. My FIL took her out for a walk in her stroller and I immediately jumped to bed, looking forward to an uninterrupted sleep, even if it was just a nap.

There I was, drifting happily to sleep and suddenly I heard... "Waaaaaaah Waaaaaaah Waaaaah" and that was Beanie screaming at the top of her lungs.

I must be dreaming... *ignore*

"Waaaaaah Waaaaah Waaaaaah Waaaaah Waaaaaah "

Geez, that was indeed Beanie and she was wailing at the void deck and since I am staying on the 2nd floor, I could still hear her cry.

Sigh, so I headed down to the void deck below to carry a grumpy Beanie.

So much for an uninterrupted sleep.

I am Super "Maria" or should I say Super "Letticia"?

Now that I am on my own to take care of Beanie both in the day AND night, here's a typical 24 hours for me:

12 am - Mid-night feed for Beanie. She is usually very drowsy around this time, so she will nurse and fall asleep most of the time. No problem here.

3 am - She will wake up and wana nurse but I've noticed that she isn't thaaaaat hungry and most probably just want a comfort suck. After that, she is usually VERY awake and talkative. She will smile and coo at me, and as much as I try my best to ignore her, She will still demand my attention by screaming if I were to ignore her for too long a time. So poor mommy gotta entertain Beanie until she is tired at about 430 am. (0_0)

7 am - Beanie wakes up to nurse again. This time, she will be hungry and will hungrily gulp down her milk and continues to snooze. If I'm not too tired, I will start my day by taking my breakfast, feed Cookie, do the laundry and if I'm lucky, read the papers.

9 am - Beanie wakes up to take her milk again and I'll give her a bath.

10 am - Beanie will be at her cutest by smiling a lot and coos and baby talk to me. For the next 30 mins, it is Motherhood at its best and I am rewarded with a sweet-smelling and happy baby.

11 am - Beanie will take a short nap and I will start preparing my lunch and if I'm lucky, I can have my lunch in peace and take a shower while Beanie continues to nap.

12 pm - Feeding time for Beanie again. After that, I will put her in a baby seat with toys, and on good days, she will spend the next 15-25 mins playing with the toys or happily gnawing at her hands.

1 pm - Beanie will start screaming and wana be carried. On bad days, I will have to carry her and eat my lunch at the same time.

2 pm - Another nap time for Beanie and a nap time for me too. I so need this power nap.

4 pm - Beanie will be awake and on good days, I will take her out for a short walk to take in some fresh air and enjoy some sunshine.

5 pm - Since my mother and mother-in-law are working, my Father-in-law will come over to help out by looking after Beanie so that I can have some "me" time. But it's usually time for me to prepare a simple dinner for myself, keep/fold the laundry, feed Cookie (again) or do some simple housework.

630 pm - Another quick bath for Beanie and a quick feed. Then I will start to put her to bed.

730 pm - Dinner time for me and also another quick shower.

930 pm - Feeding time for Beanie and if she isn't fussy, she will fall asleep and I get to watch some TV, go online or text Hubby. But at times, she is extremely fussy due to a blocked nose or a wet nappy, so I will have to spend the next 30-45 mins pacify her.

1030 am - Beanie should be sleeping by now and it's also time for me to knock out. But before I can go to la-la land, I gotta find Cookie (she is usually hiding in some corner snoozing away) and lock her in the wet kitchen.

12 am - The cycle starts all over again.

Thankfully, my mother, brothers and mother-in-law come over to help whenever they are free so that I can have a break. And I also have a really good and efficient part-time helper who helps me with the heavy housework on every sat.

Being a Stay-at-home-mom (i.e: housewife/maid/babysitter) is not easy!

Some random joys of Motherhood that I've experienced first-hand:

1) Inhaling the sweet "baby smell" that all babies have. Hrm, especially from my own little Beanie girl lah.

2) Getting a million-dollar-grin from Beanie in the middle of the night when I am about to die from exhaustion.

3) When Beanie looks at me in the eye, as if I mean the whole world to her.

4) Having her soft little head resting on my shoulder when I rock her to sleep.

5) Hearing her snore. (which means that I will get to sleep soon, whoopee!)

6) Cutting her small fingernails and marvel at how perfect her little fingers are.

7) Removing an enormous piece of snot from her nose so that she can finally breathe and stop being cranky.

8) Watching her sleep peacefully.

9) Hearing her cute baby coos when I talk to her.

10) Touching her baby soft skin when I give her baby massage.

A letter to Beanie

I am supposed to write this BEFORE Beanie was born but I got busy with my knitting and crochet projects that I completely forgot about it until 5 mins ago. And since the Confinement Lady is entertaining a naughty Beanie, who refuses to nap, I better grab my chance to quickly post this blog before I have to be the one to entertain a naughty Beanie.

Dear Beanie

I am really excited about your arrival, yet at the same time, very afraid. I'm afraid that I'll be a bad mother, who will be so caught up with the whole kiasu-parent-thingy that you will not have the opportunity to enjoy your childhood, to make mistakes (ok, small mistakes) in order to explore who you are and live your life.

So this letter is for you and also for myself, to remind myself that I gotta remember to be a cool mom and set my priorities right.

First on the list, I do not need you to be a straight As student or a president scholar but to be a person with integrity, to have a kind heart, to be compassionate and contribute meaningfully to the society in whatever ways, however small those may be.

Secondly, be passionate. Believe strongly in something. Be it a notion, a hobby, a cause... ... just something. Dare to do what you believe in. Even if Mommy and Daddy might not approve (as long as it is legal and with integrity). If you need inspiration, read the life story of Steve Jobs.

Third, be curious, learn and question. I hope I can instill in you a curiosity about the world, the hunger to learn and question . Life is meaningless if we do not learn something new everyday.

Fourth, do NOT be afraid to start all over. Life will have its ups and downs but when you are down, you must be strong and resilient, pick yourself up and start over. Mommy and Daddy will support you in whatever means that we can, but in event that we aren't around anymore, you must have the strength to start all over again.

Lastly and most importantly, find a good man, love passionately and have beautiful children.

With lots of love,

Mommy

Beanie at 8 weeks

All parents think their kids are the cutest right? I've always told myself to keep my perspective and not be one of those blinded parents who think their daughters are future Miss Universes or sons are future Brad Pitts... ...

But seriously speaking... ... isn't my Beanie a total knock-out? ;P

Best gift to Beanie as parents: A strong and loving marriage

I was clearing some old files in my computer when I came across the folder that contained all my wedding pictures, feeling rather nostalgic, I opened it up and began to look through the photos.

Then it hit me that ever since Beanie was born, Hub and I haven't spent any quality time together. It doesn't help that he is still based in HK and only flies back home every 2 to 3 weeks for the weekends, and whenever he is back, he will be busy running errands such as buying groceries or baby items for Beanie.

And now that Beanie is taking so much of my time, we don't even have time to call each other. On good days, we're lucky if we can Facetime for 10 mins.

To make matters worse, Hub has just been rotated to another department, which bankers work, on average 70-100 hours A WEEK, inclusive of weekends.

Me, being rather overwhelmed as a new mother, hasn't been the best of mood either. So, we ended up snapping at each most of the time IF we happen to Facetime. So much so that, I don't even feel like talking nowadays... ... ...

Looking at these wedding pictures again reminded myself that we, as a couple must put in effort to keep the romance and love alive in our marriage, but with the baby, work commitments and stress, housework ... etc, it is just so darn difficult.

Hopefully things will get better when Hub is back for good. Another 3-4 mths to go... ...

Beanie... doesn't sleep

Now that Beanie is approaching 6 weeks, she is becoming really fussy and doesn't nap well in the day, and when that happens, she doesn't sleep well at nights either.

I decided to post some pictures of sleepy Beanie to tell myself that one day, Beanie will sleep through the night.

Meanwhile, I gotta run off now because Beanie is screaming AGAIN, most probably due to the fact that she is overtired and doesn't know how to soothe herself to sleep.

Ugh.

*panda eyes*

Getting Cold Feet

Currently I still have the confinement nanny with me because I've booked her for 2 months and she has bought me some precious me-time, where I can post my blog, read other blogs, check out facebook, go marketing (my only exercise for now), shower in peace and do some gardening.

But the nanny is leaving in 2 weeks time and I begin to dread the day that I'm going to face a screaming Beanie ALONE 24-7 without hubby or anyone's help...

*shivering in fear*

My mother has agreed to come over and help out for a week, but after that it will just be Beanie and me. If you guys don't see me updating my blog, then I must be totally swamped and barely alive... ...

May the force be with me!

Beanie is one month old!

Here's a photo of Beanie when she was a month old, just a few days ago.

What I've observed about Beanie:

-> She has a feisty temper. Textbooks call these babies "spirited"... for example, she really enjoys her bath time and she will make happy faces while taking a bath. But when I remove her from her tiny bathtub, she will SCREAM. Not cry... but a scream "WAHHHHHHHHH!!!" to show her displeasure and trying to tell me "hey Mom, I still wana bathe, put me back in the nice, warm water NOW!" And of course, I will ignore her and very quickly, her screams will escalate into cries.

-> She is very impatient. When she wants her milk, she wants it NOW, and of course she shows that by screaming. According to my confinement nanny, some babies are more patient, they will just making suckling noises or keep opening their mouths to indicate their hunger. Not Beanie, she just screams, then of course that will also escalates into cries of hunger AND anger in seconds.

-> She is a strong girl for her age. When I took her to her pediatrician for a quick check on her blocked tear ducts in her left eye, she could actually STAND on the baby bed (with the doc holding her by her armpits) when the doctor wanted her to be in a sitting position. Doc was like "Look at her! Barely 3 wks and she can stand!" *clueless mommy just stared at Beanie*

-> She can do advance calculus. (Ok, I'm kidding) Hahahaha...

I don't think I've mentioned before, but Beanie's real name is Nicolette.

I still call her Beanie most of the time. Heh...

My plans after maternity leave... ...

4 months of entitled maternity leave and I'm now left with 3 months or so... Time flies when you have a baby! Hrm... except when the baby is screaming away at 3 am, then every 5 mins seem like 5 hours...

Anyway, many have asked what's my plan after the 4 months of leave and my answer is: I'll look after Beanie at home until she is 12 - 14 months old, then I'll return to the work force and Beanie will then go to Infant care.

So, I'll be a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) for a year or so. On one hand, I feel very blessed and lucky to have Hub's support, yet on the other hand, the thought of losing my financial independence kinda scares me a bit... ...

I do have some plans to set up a blogshop to generate some income but I wonder how realistic is that for me to take care of a baby (without a maid) AND run a small blog shop. Hub has suggested that we should just hire a domestic helper to do household chores while I can concentrate on Beanie and hopefully, a blogshop.

But I really do NOT like the idea of having a stranger in the house, plus the fact that we do not have a spare room for a maid anyway. That means that the maid will have to sleep with Beanie in the nursery, which I am fine with since Beanie is still so young. Although I do prefer Beanie to have her own room... ...

Or am I just being stubborn and stupid and too hard on my myself?

My Poor Cookie

Now that I am always so busy with Beanie, I really do not have time for Cookie at all. Cookie camped outside my bedroom for 2 days when I first returned from the hospital, but I barely had the time to stroke and shower any attention on her. It was heartbreaking... ... I really felt very very guilty.

After a while, cookie must have realized that she is no longer the baby of the house and being the independent cat, she began to spend less time over at our place and spend her time prowling the void deck once again. She would still come over for dinner and she still sleep over at nights, but she no longer follows me like a puppy, like she used to.

Sigh.

Thankfully, Cookie is a popular cat at our block, and she has many other godmothers and godfathers who dote on her, and feed her as well. So, at least I know she is still being well taken care of.

Nonetheless, I really still love Cookie a lot.

Little Beanie at 2 weeks old

Now I am one of those annoying mums that keep talking about their babies, post pictures of their babies and basically, go gaga about their babies.

But then again, that's all I do everyday. My life just evolves around Beanie right now... the day is defined by Beanie's feeding schedule, nap times and poo poo times.

Although my heart is bursting with love for my little Beanie, I do miss my old life. I miss the times where I can go to the gym, wear nice clothes to work, bake muffins and little cakes, play with Cookie, gardening... etc.

Now, Beanie is taking all my time. I'm not exactly complaining because I know that as Beanie grows older, I WILL get my life back... ...

So, I better cherish the time when Beanie is still a baby!

Full month celebration for Beanie... Yes or No?

Hub and I have previously agreed that we will most probably NOT throw a "full month" celebration for Beanie because Hub will be in Hong Kong and I do not want to run the show alone. In additional to the fact that I am anti-consumerism, so the idea of giving away those excessively wrapped gift boxes to guests seems extremely environmental unfriendly. Nor am I keen to receive more baby clothes or toys on Beanie's behalf.

Most friends, especially those who are single or without children, aren't really interested in babies, so I shall spare them the pain. However, I noticed that some of my relatives, especially the elders, like my grannie and my godma, are genuinely into babies and they look forward to meeting new members of the family...

Now I'm wondering should I hold a really small family gathering as a "full month" celebration for Beanie?

Breastfeeding 101

Beanie is officially 2 weeks old and after struggling with breastfeeding for 2 weeks, I've learnt the following:

1) Go see a Lactation Consultant within the 1st week if you have any questions or issues with breastfeeding. Do not wait. JUST GO. I booked a session with Sister Kang from Mt Alvernia and she was very helpful and friendly, and most importantly, she gave me the assurance and confidence that I CAN breastfeed.

2) Massage your breasts before every feed, ie: almost 10-12 times in 24 hours. Engorgement with blocked ducts is not fun. So massage the ducts before they get blocked!

3) Papaya-with-fish-bones-soup works wonder. so much so that I am currently struggling with too much milk and too fast let-down of milk that Little Beanie is choking when nursing.

4) My brest friend pillow is indeed my best friend right now. It really helps in supporting Beanie while nursing. Highly recommended!

5) Lastly and most importantly, do not feed your new born with formula! Formula milk is about 5X sweeter than breastmilk... no wonder a newborn will reject breastmilk after tasting sugar syrup!

Well... my 2 cents worth of advice with respect to breastfeeding.

Birth Story of Beanie

Beanie at 5 days old.

Finally I have a little break to read some newpapers and surf the net... now that my milk has come in, Beanie can suckle to her content and stop being a screaming monster. She is fully latched on and is showing regular feeding schedule at about every 3 hours, making my life easier as compared when we first brought her home.

Anyway, I wana share Beanie's birth story while it is still fresh in my head...

In the wee hours of 18 Aug, Thurs, at 4 am, I noticed that I had a "show" with some really light cramps. The cramps weren't painful and I was scheduled for a check up (39 weeks + 2 days) with my gynae later in the same afternoon, so I simply went back to sleep and continued with my usual activities until the check up.

At the clinic, through the machine, I was already having regular but very light contractions and was already about 2 cm dilated. The Gynae sent me home anyway but warned me that Beanie should arrived the next day and told me to check into the hospital if I were to have 2 strong contractions within 10 mins.

I was really excited that Beanie was finally going to arrive soon! So I called Hub, who was already working from the S'pore office that Beanie should arrived by the next day.

And I went home and did my usual stuff of having dinner and watching tv, while the contractions were rather spaced out and still painless.

->11 pm, the cramps were getting more obvious, my back begun to ache and contractions were still about 15 mins apart.

-> 19 Aug 2011, 1 am, contractions started to be painful but it was still very bearable and I ensured that I continued to walk around the house and did some yoga stretches.

-> 2 am, contractions started to be about 5 mins apart and contractions were painful enough for me to request help from Hub to massage my hips whenever contractions hit. At this point, I figured that we should checked into the hospital soon.

-> 2.30 am, I was admitted into Mt Alvernia Hospital and the nurse checked me that I was 4 cm dilated. I was thinking to myself "not bad, almost half way there and I am still coping ok, seems that I can really do this w/o epidural..." *smug*

I told the nurses that I would prefer to remain active and standing, so I was pretty much to be left alone with a quiet and dim delivery room, and I did all the "text book" stuff: swayed my hips, walked around the room, emptied my bladder regularly, deep breathing and told myself to accept the pain where every contraction would bring Beanie closer to me.

I couldn't sleep nor rest because contracts were hitting me at about every 5-7 mins from 3 am until 8 am. Hub didn't sleep at all because whenever a contraction hit me, he would help massage my hips and applied pressure to relief the pain. I wouldn't be able to survive the past 5.5 hrs without his help.

-> 8 am, my gynae came to check on me and TO MY HORROR, I was still only 4-5 cm dilated?! WTF?! Despite of my best effort, I did NOT progress in my labour at all?! My gynae suggested that the waterbag to be burst to help labour progress and I agreed.

That was when I began to experience the worst pain that I had ever experience in my life. The contractions started to come fast and furious, at every 3-4 mins and they would hit me with a vengeance in my lower back, hips, pelvic and thighs. It was excruciating pain, which was made worse because I had to lie down (on my side though) to hook onto the monitor to ensure Beanie's heartbeats were ok and to have the IV antibiotic drip due to my previous Strep B infection.

-> 9 am, I started to panic and cried aloud in pain and I was losing it. I couldn't be calm and the thought of deep breathing or visualization of my cervix "opening up like a rose" was making me even more desperate. If I had to endure such pain and even more intense pain during the "transition period" for the next 3-5 hrs, I would just DIE. So, after 7+ hours from checking into the hospital, I threw in the towel and opted for the epidural.

-> 9.30 am, epidural started to kick in and to my surprise, I was still able to move my legs, hips and toes, but no pain from contractions! Hurray! Hub and I immediately knocked out for the next 3 hours. Both of us were so tired since we didn't sleep at all in the night. Zzzzzzz.... .... ....

-> 12.30 pm, a nurse checked me and guess what, I was already 9 cm dilated! So it seemed that the more relax I am, the faster the labour could progress. Last 1 cm to go. By this time, I could feel the contractions right under my ribs and they were moderately painful. Even with the epidural, I could still feel some pain from the contractions, I couldn't imagine if I were to proceed without.

-> 1.45 pm, I was fully dilated and getting ready to push. At this stage, Beanie suddenly was showing some signs of distress. Her heartbeat slowed but thankfully I only needed to push for about 10-15 mins and Little Beanie was born at 2.05 pm!

When I saw a healthy little Beanie, screaming at the top of her lungs, being put on my tummy, I was overcome with relief and joy... ...

I have a little baby girl!

Little Beanie has arrived!

There she is... a picture of her when she is just a few minutes old from birth.

Both Beanie and I are doing well and I am still in awed that a little baby girl has popped out of me.

I'll share my birth story shortly, meanwhile, I gotta get the hang of breastfeeding first! Tonight will be the first night at home... hopefully Beanie will sleep well and only wakes up twice for feeding. Wish me luck!!!