Grief

Today is the last day of the calendar year 2004. And I must say that this year is ending with a sad note.

Although I am not personally affected by the killer tsunami, I cannot help feeling so sad for all people who have perished under the waves.

Rows and rows of dead bodies, with most of them bloated and decayed, I cannot imagine the horror that a family member will have to suffer while searching for their missing loved ones.

Sigh. Mother Nature has showed her wrath and decided to punish us.

May the dead rest in peace… …

Out - by Natsuo Kirino

Bought this book about 2 days ago and managed to finish it just about an hour ago. This book is written by Natsuo Kirino and translated by Stephan Snyder, first published in Japanese in 1997.

Just the illustration of the cover is enough to give you the creeps. The front shows the face of a girl, with a blade to her eye, as for the back of the book, it shows the same face of the girl, but instead of the blade to her eye, there is a thin trail of blood.

Every time when I fished out the book to read on the MRT (Singapore's subway), people will begin to look at me in horror, most probably thinking "what is this psycho reading??!!"

Of course, I derived some kick in doing that. ;p

Ok, back to the book, this story portrays 4 women and the hideous crime they have committed and the price they have to pay. The main characters are highly complex and it brings out the sinister side out of every living soul.

Am I capable of killing? I might if I am being pushed to the edge. When it is either to kill or to be killed, are you capable of killing another person?

This book is scary because it shows how very ordinary people might turn to monsters and murderers when they are being pushed to cross the line... ...

Neither ghosts nor ghouls is mentioned, but the auntie next door, whom you see every morning might just be capable of doing anything. Even killing. And that scares the shit out of me.

What an individual is capable of doing to another individual, is scary. Especially when it is committed with a sinister pleasure... ...

If you are looking for a thriller with a different setting (in this case, it's Tokyo), Out is recommended.

Nobody Knows...

Watched this heart wrenching movie yesterday but I did not shed a single tear. This is rather surprising since I am such a cry baby. In fact, the whole notion of watching this movie alone was hoping that I can cry in peace.

That did not happen. But I am left to be depressed for the whole of yesterday and today, most probably for the whole of this week.

The movie, “Nobody Knows” – “Dare Mo Shiranai” is directed by Hirokazu Koreeda, and its main cast: 4 beautiful and talented young actors and actresses.

If you like action and fast-paced movie, this is not for you. But if want movies that are sincere and set you thinking, you will enjoy the next 2 hrs and 15 mins while watching Nobody Knows.

The movie’s style is very subtle and honest. It did not attempt to glamorize anything nor did it try to exaggerate the children’s pitiful plight. But because of that, the movie touched my heart.

This might be a fiction, but I have never appreciated my mother more, and the fact that I was able to go to school and have a childhood.

It also set you thinking about being responsible parents and what children have to suffer due to selfish parents.

My god… I am soooooo depressed.

By the way, I am now reading a Japanese novel, titled “Out”. Author: Natsuo Kirino, translated by Stephen Snyder. Will touched on that when I am done with the book.

I am sick of... ...

I am sick of socializing and making senseless conversation to people whom I do not even want to start a conversation with in the freaking first place.

I am sick of being judged by the way I look, the make-up I put, the clothes I wear and the shoes on my feet.

I am sick of waking up in the morning and think of what to do for the rest of the day.

I am sick of the irritating comments that my boyfriend will make, especially about me.

I am sick. And my boyfriend thinks that I need help.

I think I just need a f**king job to take up my bloody time...

My bf says " Dont worry about looking for a job, STROKE AND IT WILL COME" ;p

Brazilian Wax... TAKE IT ALL OFF!

If the thought of screaming and writhing in pain, excites you and stirs your loins… hrm, I meant blood. You are the one whom I am looking for!

I challenge you to go for a Brazilian Wax! For guys, you can also do a Brazilian Wax if you really want to. However, except for my crazy boyfriend/porn-star-wanabe who claims that he is unafraid of the pain, I have not met a single guy who is willing to try!

It takes courage, guts and above all, vanity to go for a Brazilian wax. And yes, IT IS F**KING PAINFUL, BUT IT IS ALL WORTH IT!

Ok… some of you are have been living in some mountains, may ask: “what is a Brazilian wax huh???”

Different salons and spas have their definition of a Brazilian wax, but it is universally agreed as the “removal of all pubic hair, except upon request to leave a small strip of hair for aesthetic purpose”

In other words, some lady will make you strip naked and rip hair out of your most intimate body part, using warm wax. Sounds nice huh?

So why not shave? Some might ask…. Well, that is because:

1) You will not get the same baby smoothness as a wax
2) Every time when you shave, your hair roots will get thicker and thicker and you will DIE of pain on your first Brazilian wax when the hair roots are ripped off for the very first time!
3) Higher occurrence of in-growth hair and infections

The first time I tried Brazilian wax was about 2 years ago and I have never looked back ever since. It just feels so much cleaner and smoother and hmmmm… nicer. ;)

And of course, no more embarrassment of unsightly hair peering out of your *gasp!* bikini!!!

Anyway, here are some other advantages of a Brazilian wax:

1) Satisfy your hidden desire to be a porn star!
2) For once in your life, you can finally see how their pu**y looks like without fighting through a jungle!
3) You look really sexy wearing a see-through lingerie while seducing your BF or Husband
4) This then means that you will have better sex!!!! ;P

Ok… my friend, Fred (a girl, in case you ask!) just opened up her waxing salon - Screamworks in Balmoral Plaza, 2nd floor. Once I have her E-flyer, I will post it on my blog.

She is one of the best Brazilian Waxers around and I am not saying that just because she is my friend. Seriously, I have been to waxing salons in New York and Chicago, and I can guarantee that with Fred as the waxer, you will experience minimal pain but maximal personal service, and at a very reasonable price!!!!

And guys, you can also get waxing voucher as a gift from Screamworks. X’mas is coming, so why not get a gift that both you and your girlfriend/wife can enjoy????

;p

This is how I have been feeling ever since I am back in Singapore. Girls in Singapore are too bloody skinny!!!

For those who have heard me whine ever since I am back in Singapore… they would have realized that I only whine about one thing – My Weight.

Before I start whining AGAIN about how fat I think I am, let’s do a flash back to Chicago just a few months back… …

Shux ( a fellow Singaporean girl): I think I will have to lose a few pounds before heading home for Chinese New Year…

Me: HUH? Are you crazy? You are not fat at all… what are you talking about?

Shux: Girls in Singapore are so skinny… I will look fat by Singaporean’s standard.

Me (looking at her in horror): I’m sure not everyone is as superficial as you think; friends and family will still accept the way you are….

I AM DEAD WRONG!!!

Ever since I am back, I have lost count of the numbers of comments I have received regarding to the way I look. Friends, cousins, aunties, uncles, even my own mum and boyfriend commented that I have bloated.

“Wah… why you so fat now???”

“You a bit the bah bah now huh!”

“How come you face so swollen one???”

Sigh… the perils of staying in America and eating American food had finally caused my downfall. One out of every 3 Americans are considered obese, and I am considered sexy and slim in their eyes.

I have never ever imagine that I have to battle with my weight since I have always been a scrawny kid ever since from school, in fact, I used to get FREE milk from my primary school’s canteen because I was considered severely underweight. And in my secondary school days, I have been advised to eat more or else I’ll start being 2 dimensional instead of 3.

O well… Those were the good old days…

However, the funniest thing is that I have only put on a max of 2 to 3 kg during these 2 years (if my weighing scale is accurate)… and people reacted as if I have put on 30 kg.

The social pressure to be slim is tremendous in Singapore, with all the slimming advertisements, slimming pills, as well as, slimming spas and salons, advocating that Slim = Beautiful. Regardless whether one looks anorexic or unhealthy.

Thus, being spineless… I am now also being brainwashed by these horrible people who urge me to lose all my previous fats and flabs. Now being on a diet and some exercise regime has already trimmed me down a little.

Despite of me complaining and whining about how unreasonably skinny most Singaporean girls, I do long for the days where I can be toned, firm and lean again.

Nonetheless, enough is enough! I am going slap the next person who dares to make a comment that I am fat.

To Whistler... My dream

The slopes would have opened by now… although it’s not in the best condition to ski yet. Ahhh… I wish I am still in the States now, so that I can at least ski one last time before heading home. To ski in Whistler and Blackcomb for 5 solid days… …I will do anything to fly to whistler for this season! O well… fat hope.

Looking at my finances now, there is no way I can afford a skiing trip to Whistler, Canada. Unless, I strike the lottery or something (which means pretty impossible) or that I max my credit card to the very MAX and work like a slave for the next 6 months. Hrm… did I mention that I am currently unemployed?

Yes… I am back in Sunny Singapore, and the weather has been driving me nuts. Every time when I step out of the house, I will either die of heat stroke or that I will drown in my own sweat. Kinda miss the cold in Chicago actually…

To my friends still in the States or Canada, do yourself a favor (or at least do it for me!) GO SKIING! Or at least learn skiing or snowboarding!

What is life without skiing…?

Sigh.

I will give anything to ski in Whistler and Blackcomb in this season... I WANA SKI!!! God damn it...

My Last Recipe

This is it. My very last day in Chicago, United States of America. I am actually feeling rather indifferent, which kinda surprises me.

A tinge of sadness, a tablespoon of excitement, 2 teaspoons of nostalgia and a little sprinkle of fulfillment. Blend together… and I get indifference. Very interesting isn’t it?

Oh… I forgot to mention that you will have to freeze the above mixture in Numbness for about a week, and your indifference will turn out to be perfect. Cold and firm… with the correct consistency.

To the Moon and back

I jumped on a plane and flew to Vancouver last week and after spending a cold and wet week there, I am now in cold and windy Chicago. And will be heading back to hot and sunny Singapore by next week.

Vancouver – The most picturesque city in the world?

I think I will agree with that. The snow cap mountains, the sea, the maple-look-alike trees (my Canadian friend said that those were NOT maple tress but a wanabe) lining the sidewalks, the fallen red and yellow leaves. It’s as if I was in the enchanted garden…

On a cloudless day, every time I looked out of my friend’s window, I will see the Vancouver city, with the mountains – Cypress and Grouse as the back drop. Ahhh… I must say that the view took my breath away every time.

And being a ski freak, I actually took a day trip to Whistler (2010 Winter Olympic), one of the BEST skiing resorts in North America and spent half a day looking wistfully at the mountains, imagining that I was up there skiing and braving Blackcomb’s and Whistler’s slopes.

Sigh… but too bad for me, the skiing season has not started yet and I guess I just have to come here another time. *sad*

Vancouver all in all, gave me a very relax feel to it. Outdoor activities are easily available all year round. Ski/snowboard your heart out in the winter, water-rafting in spring, camping and hiking in summer and biking/horseback riding in fall…. …. The change of the season, in turn, will change your lifestyle, your activities and your wardrobe, and it’s this kind of change I really look forward to

Everyone is nicer, friendly and genuinely greet strangers with smile… something I am really unaccustomed to. And I thought San Francisco and Chicago were laid back…

Will definitely want to go back to Vancouver again. To Whistler. To Ski.

I am in an enchanted garden - Kitsilano, Vancouver

Women over 30

Below is an article written by Andy Rooney. And after reading that, I have never been more inspired to grow old. The funniest thing is that I have always been looking forward to "aging well". I feel that being older equates to being wiser (hopefully!) and nothing is more attractive than that. Compared to a woman who is 30, I always feel like a kid and inadequate... ... BUT please note that being 30 and LOOKING like a 30 year-old is 2 totally different matter. ;p

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do.

And,it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if youdeserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can getaway with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 30 has the self-assurance tointroduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guywith other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attractedto her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women getpsychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30.They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not trueof younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are ajerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where youstand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making afool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk forfree".

Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage,why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get alittle sausage..

My Room in Chicago. 

Packing up now...

In my studio apartment, packing up now. The procedure of opening up my empty suitcases and filling them up with my clothes, shoes and stuffs kinda depressed me. Until when I was going through some blogs which I have written but never published them. I was reading one of the blogs and now I am really glad that I am going home after all... ... I guess everyone needs a remainder to set one's priority right again.

Below was what I have written on May 23 2004:

I am freezing my ass off right now in this very moment.

Where: American Museum of Natural History in New York City. To be specific, I am in the cafeteria of the museum.

Time: 4.39 pm and another hour to go before I can get out of here.

Why:

There are a few reasons that contribute to why I am stuck right here.

Firstly, my brother is now in NYC on a vacation. Thus, me being a good sister, I have the obligation to show him around and bring him to all the museums that he wants to explore.
However, I have a dateline to meet by Monday, so instead of me working at home and risking my brother getting lost (which also means that I will be skinned alive by my mum if my brother did get lost in the BIG, BAD and UGLY city); I am now building my spreadsheet using my laptop in the cafeteria of the museum.

My little brother just arrived on last Friday (21 May 2004) and it was on that fateful day, which I have come to learn that one of my cousins had passed away due to a motor vehicle accident. My little cousin, let’s call him “sweet pea”. He was like a little brother to me. Sweet Pea used to come over to my place very often and hang out with my 2 younger brothers. They played and fought together, laughed and cried together and grew up together as the years roll by.

He was a naughty little boy, full of mischief but never malicious. Definitely drove my uncle and aunt up the wall and even me, myself, have the urge to discipline him every once a while.

However, things changed when he started his secondary school and began mixing with bad company. He began to drift apart from my brothers; everyone was too busy to realize that he had skipped school, started smoking and participated in those petty gang fights. My uncle, being a very gentle man, could not handle him and eventually allowed him to drop out of school to enroll into the Army.

Everything seems well ever since he went to the Army, the army disciplined him and kept him busy, he did not seem to be hang around much with those gangster friends anymore.
Everything seems to go well for a while, until… he got involved in a motorcycle accident.

It was a Sunday afternoon; he was rushing to his camp to book in. Being a good friend, he gave his fellow camp mate a ride. He lost control of his motorbike. He crashed into a tree. He died instantly on the spot. He was only 19 years old… … … His fellow campmate was in a coma for a week before passing away too.

He barely bought his motorbike 2 months before the dreadful accident happened. The bike was a gift from his dad… a gift which ultimately caused his death.

Everyone took his death rather badly. It was so unexpected. It was so tragic. All my family members were there at his funeral, everyone except me. And the worst part was that I was not even being told of his death until about 2 weeks later. I was hurt and angry; I called my mum to demand for an explanation since I have never felt more left out.

My mum answered: “So what If I told you… by the time you fly back home, his funeral would have been over anyway.”

Then it hit me. Yes… she is right. If anything were to happen to my loved ones, by the time I were to fly back home, it would have been too late anyway. No last goodbyes, no last words and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I want to go home now.

Outburst on the bus

I was hit by reality once again that I am leaving Chicago in about 3 weeks' time. Had the sudden compulsion to write something while I was on my way to Kraft this morning......


When I left home in search of something better
What I found was something in fact, lesser
But in time, through patience and self-realization
I look around and see inspirations

My trip has been fruitful
My life is now changed
I finally knew what I want
Or so, that's what I'll like to believe

Now that it's time for me to leave
To venture into uncertainty and unknown
And I will go,
Taking my new found treasures with me

I want to fly... ... like my fairy... 

If there is one tattoo I will get for myself. IT"S HER. 

Love.... is bullshit?!

Just received an email from a friend, unfortunately, the email irritates the shit out of me. I guess the content of the email is simply full of crap. Oh, did I mention that the email was all about… … what else, “love”.

Here are some of the excerpts:

· “Love strives in hurting. If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test to you, to help you grow. Don't find love: let love finds you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall. "

· “You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages size. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering, and growing.”

· “How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.”

The first thing that hit me after reading through the email was: what a load of bullshit, I have just wasted 3 minutes of my life, damned!

The next thing that hit me was: Am I really that cynical? Shouldn’t I feel inspired by these “words of wisdom”?

To be frank, I think I have been relatively lucky in love… except for the fact that one of my ex-boyfriend actually two-timed me. Other than that scumbag, I have been blissfully loved by 2 very good men. So, technically speaking, I should still retain some of those head-in-the-clouds-and-I-am-so-in-love genes in me.

Nope. Nothing… those “romantic” DNAs have all died. In fact, one of my friends just made a comment that I am the most unromantic girl he has ever met in his life. I don’t think that is much of a compliment. Upon some self-reflection, I don’t think I am as jaded before, as I am now am.

I remembered I used to think that giving flowers is one of the sweetest things; a guy can do for a girl. Now, it’s a waste of money. Candle light dinner used to be such a romantic thing, now; I think it’s kinda cheesy. Talking on the phone and whisper sweet nothings used to be my forte, now, my boyfriend and I seem to only talk about our work, monetary issues and politics.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME????????!!!!!!!!!

I guess being overseas alone for the past 1.5 years had definitely toughen me up, especially since I was actually living in the Big Apple, New York City for around 14 months. After breathing the cold, hard air of New York, you cannot expect me to remain as fluffy as I was 2 years ago. Plus the fact that I have all along been very independent and being in a big city like New York has not only sharpened my independence streak, it has also honed my dun-you-dare-to-f**k-with-me attitude to a whole new level.

So I have come to realization that, this is what “age” has done to me. Growing older has somehow sucked out my naiveté towards love and dreams. Although now that with age, I am more focused and certain about myself, about who I am and what I want in life. This, in turn, has transformed me to be this selfish, cold-blooded bitch, who might just do anything, in order to attain what ever she wants.

Is this the person whom I want to be?

No.

Now that it’s time for me to go home soon… maybe it is time for me to ponder about the meaning of life again. What ever the case is, I seriously think that I am inherently, a good girl. (Yah… laugh all you want…)

I guess I, not only have to fall in love again, I have to believe in love again.

The 3 "C"s

I realized that I have a huge problem with the 3 “C”s.

1) Communication
2) Commitment
3) Cash

First and foremost, and I will say, by far the worst problem that I have to deal with… is my PATHETIC communication skills. This really hit me by surprise. Although I am no debater or public speaker, I still pride myself as being relatively vocal and I usually do get my message across to people rather efficiently.

That is until recently where I have to train my new boss, as well as, the replacement analyst, so that they can take over my job when I fly back to Singapore. And to my astonishment, it hits me that I can’t communicate effectively to my seniors or peers, especially work-related issues.

So now, I am making a conscious effort to think and organized my thoughts before I speak, and most importantly, speak slowly and clearly so that my American counterpart can understand my heavily accented English, a.k.a Singlish.

Secondly, commitment. This also hits me by surprise… since I have always wanted to get married young and have children young UNTIL I am now in the States. After being exposed to the wild and crazy life style in the States… I have now grown accustomed to the carefree lifestyle where I can do what ever I like; go where ever I please, say what ever I want. Now that I will be heading home soon, I will have to consider the feelings of my loved ones and ensure that what ever I do, will not cause any distress nor hurt to them. And I find this kind of commitment stifling, so much so that I am almost having an anxiety attack!

Thirdly, cash. I see this coming long time ago and I have nobody to blame but myself. I have been spending way too much money here that I am actually ashamed of myself. Argh…. I am too weak to fight against temptation… boots, hats, scarves and all the accessories which I know I will not get to wear them in Singapore, as my beloved homeland is simply too god-damned hot! But I can’t stop myself from buying all these soft cashmere sweaters…

My god… If I don’t curb myself… I will soon have another “C” related problem: Credit Card bills!!!

19 days to the end of my Traineeship in the States.

Just gave Kaeson a farewell party on Saturday since he will be leaving for Singapore for good, after 9 long years in the States. Wow… 9 years. That’s a freaking long time to stay in a foreign country! I simply can’t imagine the kind of emotions that he must be feeling right now…

As for me, I have only been here for 1.5 years, which is only 1/6 of Kaeson’s length of stay. However, I am already going through an emotional crisis, since now that I have only 19 days to the end of my traineeship with Kraft Foods International.

I feel as if I am now at a T-junction, where I can either make a right or left turn. Although the left turn now is under repair and thus, blocked. So in a sense, I have no other choice but to make a right turn…

So, is there anyway where I can make a left turn?

Well…. Yes.

1) I can either first make a right or then try to make a left turn further down the road. Hopefully the next left turn will bring me to the same destination, which the first left turn would have led me.

2) Or, I could first make a right turn and once I know that the road is repaired, I will then make a U-turn, and hit the very first left turn again.

What ever the case is, I want to make a left turn eventually, which means that, I want to come back to the States again. With that, I have drawn out a 3-year plan. In 3 years’ time, after gaining sufficient work experiences, I aim to come back to Chicago to do my MBA. Of course, ideally, I would like to stay with Kraft and get transferred to Kraft HQ office in Chicago and hopefully get admitted to University of Chicago and pursue my part time MBA program under the company’s expense. Ahhhh…. That will be my ideal world. ;P

But if that does not work out, I will still hunt for opportunities with other companies to achieve my 3-year goal. Basically, by hook or by crook, I do want to be back. Back to Chicago… the Second City.

And in many ways, Chicago is indeed THE second city. At least, Chicago is MY second city. It is my second city which I have lived and grown to love, it is a second city in every aspect when compared to New York, which is still my first love.

However, New York simply has too many distractions and knowing myself, I will never settle to study or even to pick up a textbook to do any readings since I will be too busy eating out at restaurants, partying at clubs, watching plays and ballets and having a hell of a time!

Chicago, at the other hand, seems to be a great city with a decent, but NOT CRAZY night life, and at the same time, boring enough to allow myself to concentrate on my studies a few hours a week (or so I hope!)

After coming up with this 3-year plan, I must say that I definitely felt better. More focused and definitely much less confused. Although the next question is… how am I going to fit “the love of my life” into this 3-year plan of mine?

Question: If you lost the love of your life, do you still have a life?